I haven't dealt with this as a mother but I as all of us was a 12 yo girl once and I remember that I really wanted to express myself, my feelings and to feel independent. I started cutting at age 15. All I can say is to let her know you are listening and not to push her too hard. I personally don't see the wearing make-up thing as too big of a deal. I think that if she wants to express herself in that way then it is better than hurting herself. That you can remind her is a life decision, she will have those scars forever, I still have mine and they don't look like they are going anywhere. Try not to get mad about things but instead approach her with the desire to understand, she really is just expressing a desire for independence. Maybe you can help her feel like she is, help her find something that fills her life up with joy, something she really enjoys, encourage that to the fullest without being pushy, a fine line but important. As far as the boy thing, well I never did anything like that so I have no idea. Good luck mama, here with ya.

oh my gosh Loi, I started a response and then saw your name and checked out your profile and it's .. "the" Loi! (only person I know by that name) it's me Judith. maybe we ought to TALK, like in 3ED life, know we're both busy with school and raising our daughteres and whatnot but...hey.

much of what I had to say makes sense (this computer apparently ate it somewhere though...)


yes *i* think cutting and other self-mutilation is a big deal, though my experience is that panic never helped any big deals get smaller...but you know that. some of my thoughts on this are about how hard it is that we live in a society where young people's "liminal" states are not respected. seems to me, as a mother and a teacher and former adolescent mental health counselor and general human doing-and-being that kids this age (as you know, I have a daughter about 6 months older than yours) aren;t usually in a context where their developing bodies or minds are treated as "okay"...so often they either try really hard to look or act "older" or they regress ridiculously and act really childish. (sometimes both...)

and honestly I think the citting stuff is a response to that.those budding breasts and dolescent proportions are often laughed at, or made into sexual fetishes by the alrger culture...it makes sense that a young woman would lash out at her body.

I;ve talked with others, male and female, who have gone through some form of cutting or self-mutilation and sometimes it's to have something to FEEL.

my own daughter's issues are very different at this point, but I can do my best to walk a little in your mama-shoes here...something that affirms the body, and conenction to other young people, can be a literal lifesaver here. I'm thinking dance, martial arts, a team sport if she's the type, circus arts...something where other young peopea re there and they get into their bidies and learn to do new and creative things with them that are interactive. maybe school has something to offer, or the YMCA or a city-run youth group?

one girl I know who had similar issues (worse in some ways) found that taking care of younger children really helped her feel good about who she was, and lets her feel like a "grownup girl" without havng to do the biy-stuff so much. there's babysitting, volunteering at childcare centers for afterschool programs or church groups or community classes...


soem kids, like mine, relate better to animals and can be really responsible helping rehabilitate wildlife or caring for neglected companion animals.

just some ideas. e-mail me...do you still have my phone #? I have some other thoughts but oughta be studying just nw and need to get going.

let's talk 9and maybe get 'em together to good off and have good clean fun...


Judith

Where to start..

I am the step mother of an 18 year old, the mother of a 14 year old and they are both girls and I also have a 5 year old son.

The cutting is bad but it is pretty typical among teenage girls right now they do it for attention and because my friends are doing it. At that age she is still trying to find her niche and it is kind of disturbing that she is doing it before 8th grade. I would recommend counciling not because she has low self esteem but because sometimes it is nice for them to have a non-parent to talk to that they can confide in.

Do not treat her like your friend or sister. Treat her like a child that is what she is. A lot of the time they tell you that they quit doing something and are just getting better at hiding it. You have every right to look thru her phone and be concerned about the pictures I sure in the hell would be.

The makeup is not such a big issue dark eyemakeup at that age is pretty typical because they want to fit in. Also, playing with makeup with her or taking her to a makeup counter and letting them do her makeup might help her see other ways for her to wear it just a thought as well as a bonding type thing.

I know it is hard but also making sure you have open communication with her friends parents will be more support for the well being and best intrest of your child. Talking with her teachers can also give you lots of insight. You don't have to tell them your concerns but you can at least have open communications with them and they can give you info on how she is with other students and let you know of any acts that might be concerning them

Okay that was my two cents!