Firstly its quite possible it had somehow got into her email or some click me and win a million dollars button... and she was likely as shocked as you...
and may just as well have found it particularly gross...
and could be fairly embarassed...

and from my accidental forays into that stuff through the same type of email... one link can open up several links... and even for me an explorative and educated adult those images were pretty gross...

Though I have to admit that personally my curiosity was spurged at a fairly early age... and that curiosity can begin as early as age nine... though its more like stumbling upon the older brothers magazine collection than intentionally seeking out that stuff... though I did try to sneak to the tv to watch late night HBO features... (though even with my curiosity at that age the images you have explained would have totally grossed me out)

A silent step I would say would be to put some parental limitations on the computer...

If you do broach the subject though I would try not to make it out as this horrible thing... as we can easily create complexes... It is natural for us to be curious at that age and if it was that... which she would likely not admit, you don't want to create shame regarding curiosity of our natural progressions... but maybe open a dialogue that would allow you to maybe choose some more age appropriate material to help wih her curiosity...

Also broaching the subject could be good just to find out "where" she may have learned to find the porn sites or been directed.. in case it was diliberately sent... Which would really be my only major cause of concern...

just approach the subject gently... and open mindedly... try to build a bridge instead of create a gap...
and I have to say if anything could bring on the birds & the bee talk that would be one... being that sex is much bigger than porn. (which is also why I would put on parental controls as that is not necessarily the best place to learn about sex)

And that age would not be too uncommon for curiosity...

but don't be shocked if you are greeted with...
EEEEEEWWWW MOM! Thats gross!

Hi Allie:

I saw your listing on the main page and while I'm hip in some ways, I'm not a momma, a parent or even a woman for that matter.

Be that as it may, I am sure you are well-aware that the media is much more overt and crass than when you and I were growing up and with the prevalence of this medium - the internet, it has only become more obnoxious.

And kids are different these days.

When I was 12 in 70's, that was about the time that my mom had Our Bodies, Our Selves and eventually Betty Dodson's work.

Naturally, as a curious 12 year old boy who liked to read and had a clear preference for girls, I was all over that. My mom was a single mother as well as her friends and most of them had daughters, and they were all to some degree identified with both the university and the feminist movement.

Naturally, I picked up a certain perspective being in that environment.

At almost the same time, I also discovered dad's stash of Playboys, Penthouse and Oui magazines and around that time Hustler came out as well.

"Back in the olden days" those materials were subtler and less accessible than today, and provided a noticeably different view of women and sexuality.

Dad didn't mind....except when I pilfered the good ones and brought them back to mom's house. It's hard to recall mom's response but I think she did acknowledge their presence in her house. I never got any lectures about it, only a sort of implicit directive to uses discretion and that it provided an incomplete picture of the matter in hand."

I never go the birds and the bees talk either, from either mom or dad.

However, I did receive comprehensive, age-appropriate and mandatory health and sex education in junior high, high school AND college.

I was a sharp kid and I think I had a well-rounded understanding of these things and was able to make important distinctions about what was what, and had the ability to differentiate the value of things.

unlike the post-modern, relativizing -everything is of equal value jumbled together- kind of perspective these days.

So, given my understanding of these things given who I am and how I grew up, what I can say is that:

kids are kids; people are people....and we live in a different world than the one you and I grew up in.

I do think that taken the "forbid it" action at this point probably "won't work." The parental software applied in draconian fashion won't either. It will block a lot of crap on the internet but will probably breed resentment and a flavor of mistrust between parent and child. But I don't know what "kind" of relationship you have with your daughter.

You can block individual sites within your browser if you know how to do it.

But maybe a softer approach would be more effective:

do the birds and the bees conversations even happen these days? Do schools even educate kids these days on the matters at hand? How comfortable are you with having such a conversation?


I'm sure these folks might have a more current and healthy perspective:

www.ourbodiesourselves.org/

I'm sure there are also age-appropriate materials you could get her. Maybe bring a "fun" persepctive and attitude toward addressing the issue; have a lighter, informed and healthy perspective that is both parental and boundaried but open.

Buy her a couple of well-chosen books and have a conversation. It might make her a little uncomfrtable at first but she'll end up being far more receptive to what you are hearing than taking some draconian, authoritarian action.

Taken in a larger perspective, I'd be far more concerned with her exposure to all the things the mainstream media inundates your daughter with, feeding all sorts of desires and fictions about herself and the world that are simply uninformed and harmful. If anything, instill a value for education in her, a joy for learning and knowledge so she learns to cultivate, understand and trust her own judgement and ability to understand things on her own, as well as with parental guidance. I'd be more concerned with limiting her exposure to television, advertisement and a diet of fashion magazines

Be the hip and informed Mama...cultivate a hip and informed kid.

Good luck

:)

~V~

I would sit down with her and talk about internet safety. This would include things like talking to strangers, giving out personal info and yes the more seedy side of the adult websites. Since all you have is the history on the computer you don't know if it was her looking at websites that she was searching for, if it was sent to her as a link by some classmate who found it funny as often kids that age do, if it was merely a bunch of pop up ads after one false click as porn site sometimes are or even if it was sent from an older perv on line.

I would avoid going "full force" about approaching it like she is in trouble or really that she did something wrong just in case it was just an accident. If it was a link given to her from someone else she will probably be more likely to talk to you about it if she feels like she wont be in trouble. I would also probably look at putting some sort of parental control on the computer, this won't stop it if she is looking herself (there is always a friends computer) but it would stop it if it was sent to her or if it was just a mistake.

Surely it was an accident! And if it wasn't she'll have to find out about that stuff anyways....it will be ok!

I'm curious how this worked out with your family. Mine is still way to young to even make the keyboard fully functional, and that's a future I want to have some preparation for!

I was about 13 when AOL was new and chatting was so fun... It wasn't the porn that was all in my face that was troubling and strange to me.
it was the pervs trying to chat and say suggestive things, trying to get me to "cyber"
I mean yea I looked at porn on the internet that young,
but it I was also watching it on my parents black box at home-
all i'm saying is just make sure she knows she could be targeted by gross old men and teach what to do if that happens...

It's funny this topic is revisited as I was just having the "porn talk" with my 9 year old this past weekend.

In short, it came down to this. I told him there will come a day that he may "search" for nudity, look up words about body parts of things commented on by friends, most all of us have done it. However, my warning was this, that while curiosity is ok, some of what his friends tell him may be untrue, a lot of what he'll find on the net could be extreme and unusual and not to be trusted as accurate or normal for himself or others around him (such as taboo fetish's like scat games or bdsm - not that I have judgements against them, just that those are not for everyone, okay, honestly pooo is just icky lol) and that it really is okay to come and ask questions, make comments to me and include me in his thoughts on the subjects that surround sexuality, nudity, porn and how it fits into his life.

He sort of blushed, but he listened. They really do listen, and I won't ever consider "the talk" as completely over. It's something that is ongoing conversation as needed, wanted or necessary. We all felt good about how it went.